This is me today. Me all showered and dressed, and even a little make up. I look OK, I look as though I am coping with life, the universe, and everything.
Except actually, I’m not. Not fully.
Yesterday my universe imploded, all the worries which I had been acknowledging while looking for possibilities cam crashing over me with a wave of despair.
I am useless
I am a failure
Why do I bother
What’s the point
I’m tired of trying
I’m tired of failing
And you know what, it was horrible, but it was OK. Because depression isn’t a nice little packaged illness which you can tie with a bow and send off into the ether saying “I’m cured”. You can say “I’m recovering”, which I am, but I’ve a sneaky feeling saying “I’m cured” will never happen. Or not for a long time. Perhaps the occurrences will lessen, maybe the coping mechanisms will work their magic wih greater effect. But I don’t think this will ever fully go away.
Here’s what happened in the aftermath.
I got hugs from my daughter. I had cat cuddles. I turned up on the doorstep of a friend I knew would understand. I came home and ate.I watched TV. I read a book. I tried to sleep. I played Horizon Zero Dawn. I finally slept.
And this morning was a little brighter.
I spent time thinking, wondering what I could cope with and what I should perhaps let go, for now at least. I took advice from my coach and asked for work, or leads for work. And in that asking for work I realised that, for now, I need to concentrate on the ‘easy’ work – not the lazy easy but the work where I am employed by someone else, the work where I simply turn up and do an amazing job. And that’s OK. Because if I do that then it frees me up to follow my passions in other ways. It takes the pressure off.
I can write daily without thinking I should be writing content for my business.
I can continue volunteering being a Career Mentor at Lancaster University without feeling I should be or be on social media or marketing or making connections or the 1042 other things I usually think about.
All the fun things I can do if I simply make some changes to my life and current goals. That’s not to say I’m giving up on my bigger dreams, not even to say I won’t be working towards them constantly, but only that, for now, I will be making adjustments which make me happier and more able to cope. Able to live.
Be your catalyst for change
There's times when you need to hitch a lift, there's times when the galaxy just isn't guiding you in the right direction, there's times when all you need is the answer (yes I know the ultimate answer is 42 but there are many other questions).
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*Hoopy is defined as "a really together guy." A frood is defined as "a really amazingly together guy."